Humor – Page 24 – The Bald Heretic – Short, bald dude with a goofy beard

The Five Stages of Properly Pissed

Notice: Undefined index: image in /home/geekradio.com/domains/baldheretic.com/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/highslide/wp-highslide.php on line 56

Notice: Undefined index: thumbnail in /home/geekradio.com/domains/baldheretic.com/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/highslide/wp-highslide.php on line 56

Notice: Undefined index: altdesc in /home/geekradio.com/domains/baldheretic.com/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/highslide/wp-highslide.php on line 56

Notice: Undefined index: captiontext in /home/geekradio.com/domains/baldheretic.com/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/highslide/wp-highslide.php on line 56

Notice: Undefined index: thumbid in /home/geekradio.com/domains/baldheretic.com/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/highslide/wp-highslide.php on line 56

Notice: Undefined index: image in /home/geekradio.com/domains/baldheretic.com/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/highslide/wp-highslide.php on line 56

Notice: Undefined index: thumbnail in /home/geekradio.com/domains/baldheretic.com/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/highslide/wp-highslide.php on line 56

Notice: Undefined index: altdesc in /home/geekradio.com/domains/baldheretic.com/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/highslide/wp-highslide.php on line 56

Notice: Undefined index: captiontext in /home/geekradio.com/domains/baldheretic.com/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/highslide/wp-highslide.php on line 56

Notice: Undefined index: thumbid in /home/geekradio.com/domains/baldheretic.com/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/highslide/wp-highslide.php on line 56

By Bok Tukalo

Stage 1. Cheers!: This is the initial stage where you are out to have a bit of fun and maybe a little mischief. You are enjoying yourself and the world is a plaything; aren’t you the luckiest guy ever, or what? Time to socialize, check out the girls, and laugh at your friends’ wit.

The Knack is probably playing or maybe Beck.

Stage 2. Professor Buzzed: The good cheer is waning and now it is time to stretch your limited intellect and engage in (for you, anyway) deep conversations about things … and stuff. Usually, it is things and stuff you know nothing about or just enough about to sound like a complete ass but does that stop you? No. Not you. You have an opinion and you are going to express it at the very time when you have purposely impared your reasoning capabilities. Odd that alcohol would simultaneously dull your wit and boost your confidence. Perhaps the two are related in some way.

REM or old Dire Straits (Sultans of Swing or Making Movies; not that “Money for Nothing” shit) is playing.

Stage 3. I Love You, Man: You are now unusually fond of everyone. Even those individuals you normally consider to be pricks. You hang on them and incoherently list all the reasons that they are so special to you. If your friends are at any other stage in the properly pissed process, this is when you really start to annoy them; especially Professor Buzzed who is trying to make a point about collective bargaining in a monopolized industry while you have your arm around his neck telling him how cool it was that he didn’t get mad when you fucked his sister. This is also the stage when the designated driver starts thinking that giving up drinking alltogether might not be such a bad idea.

Hank Williams and Marty Robbins are playing and you are looking for the Patsy Cline CD.

Stage 4. Old Yeller: This is when all that fear, anger, jealousy, hurt, humiliation, loss, sadness, loneliness, regret, and all those other emotions real men keep bottled up realizes that the guard took the night off around Stage 3 and bursts out of its jail and grabs the brain reigns. Some exhibit this differently. Alot become destructive and violent. Mindless rage and accusation and frustration. Personally, I get melancholy and sit in a corner, tears in my eyes, telling anyone that will listen about a sweet, innocent little girl I knew in kindergarten that I would hold hands with under the reading table, who by high school had turned to drugs and booze and promiscuity and died in a car crash on the way home from the prom when her drunken boyfriend tried to beat a train to the crossing.

Doesn’t matter what is playing. It means something to you.

Stage 5. Last Call: The Beast has been released. He has done his damage and crawled back into his cell again, spent, and Apathy has taken over. You are incapable of carrying on a conversation now. You understand the words and can form a cogent response, but really, what’s the point? You couldn’t give a rat’s ass if the president of the United States walked up and told you the future of the nation depended on you giving a rat’s ass and pleaded with you to turn over to the proper authorities all your rats’ asses. You see the four aspirin and the bottle of Deja Blue on the nightstand you placed there to blunt the inevitable hangover but cannot muster the concern for your own comfort beyond head-meets-pillow.

Nothing is playing but there is a ringing in your ears and the hated heartbeat is laying down a base line.

Seriously, thanks!

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your goofy chain letters over the past year.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern…

1… I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

2… I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.

3… I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

4… I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

5… I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

6… I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

7… I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

8… I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

9… I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops.

10… I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

11… I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

12… I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

13… I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

14… I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

15… Thanks to all of you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (The BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

17… I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

18… I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!I will now return the favor. If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next-door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s 8th husband’s 2nd cousin’s 3rd husband’s ex-wife’s mother’s tennis instructor.

The Everyday Happenings of Weebl

Thanks to Katie for this link.
She says it’s her favorite web comic. First impressions are good.

lo’ bob, you have pie?

More installments at www.weebl.jolt.co.uk

Thanks, Katie. Now I want pie. How many Weight Watcher points do you suppose I can spare?
How about ZERO!

Spy Another Day

My co-host, Barrett, has always been a fan of compact, mobile computing. On of the things he has evangelized is Knoppix.

From their website:

KNOPPIX is a bootable Live system on CD or DVD, consisting of a representative collection of GNU/Linux software, automatic hardware detection, and support for many graphics cards, sound cards, SCSI and USB devices and other peripherals. KNOPPIX can be used as a productive Linux system for the desktop, educational CD, rescue system, or adapted and used as a platform for commercial software product demos. It is not necessary to install anything on a hard disk. Due to on-the-fly decompression, the CD can have up to 2 GB of executable software installed on it (over 8GB on the DVD “Maxi” edition).

Very cool.

Now Barrett has found something else quite interesting. I saw that he had posted to the forums at geekradio.com a blurb about Realm Systems new device, the Realm Mobile Personal Server.

From their web site:

The Realm MPS is the worlds first and only easy-to-use, secure, USB powered computing device that can be used any place, any time, on any operating system.

Basically, you can carry a Linux server in your pocket that can be connected to the USB port of any PC.

The cheesy promos they have done with Jon Lovitz not withstanding, this device looks to be quite interesting.

Funny? Or funny looking?

Ok, it’s official. I am on a diet. Weight Watchers to be exact.
My first goal is to lose 22 pounds.

Should be doable.

I am not all that tall so being overweight tends to make me look a bit like a furry beach-ball so I have some incentive.

On the plus side I don’t drink much, especially not beer.

Yesterday I stayed within my WW point allotment. I resisted a double-meat Whataburger with all my will. It was a colossal struggle to be sure. The victory growl in my stomach heralded my triumph of will.

I chose, instead, to polish off my remaining 9 points with a shrimp salad from Berry Hill and a Lonestar at The Big Top after the show.
GO JAY!

Katie was responsible for tipping me off about the shrimp salad.

I am finding a lot of support for this lifestyle change which is a HUGE plus.

Speaking of looks, it has again been brought to my attention that I bear a resemblance to Lee Arenberg, you know, the bald headed guy with the broken thumbs from Seinfeld?

I guess it’s better than looking like the dwarf he played in the Dungeons and Dragons movie or Pintel from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Look at that blubber fly!

I had my physical this week.
Mostly good.
I am still waiting on the results of the blood work but I remain optimistic.

A little bit more distressing, though, was a stern recommendation from my doctor. Since my father died of liver cancer which spread from his colon I have to get one of those check-ups, the one usually prescribed for men over 50.

My doctor knows a specialist who performs the procedure while sedated (I will be sedated, not the doctor).
I have a consultation next week and will probably have the procedure in within the month.

It should also be noted that I have been medically declared overweight by my doctor. This means changing my diet. Something I have been meaning to address anyway. Plus, many friends have started eating healthier so I am not alone. Cynthia and I bought lots of fresh fruits and vegetables while shopping this week and even selected some Weight Watcher meals for my lunches. Yum!

I found this picture in my surfing recently.
If I lose 40 pounds I can laugh at it without feeling like a hypocrite.

Brothers Grimm

I just found out that Terry Gilliam (quite possibly my favorite Python) has a new movie coming out on the 26th of August.

“The Brothers Grimm” stars Matt Damon and Heath Ledger as the 19th century folklorists who gathered tales that have enchanted and terrorized generations of children.

The movie casts the Grimm siblings (Matt Damon and Heath Ledger) as hucksters who travel from town to town with a bag of tricks and a reputation as fearless monster slayers, spinning tall tales of supernatural terrors that they will exorcise “” for a fee.

However, they get a dose of fairy-tale reality when they encounter a true curse, complete with a forest of trees that can move on their own, a horse that swallows a child and a 500-year-old queen in a tower (Monica Bellucci) abducting young girls to steal their life energy and preserve her beauty.

Trailers and stuff

More goodies relating to the movie

The Uncyclopedia

I am a huge fan of the Wikipedia.

Wikipedia is a Web-based, multi-language, free-content encyclopedia written collaboratively by volunteers and sponsored by the non-profit Wikimedia Foundation. It has editions in about 200 different languages (about 100 of which are active) and contains entries both on traditional encyclopedic topics and on almanac, gazetteer, and current events topics. Its purpose is to create and distribute a free international encyclopedia in as many languages as possible. Wikipedia is one of the most popular reference sites on the internet,[1] receiving around 60 million hits per day.

—

Now that you have the background you can understand why this is hillarious…

The Uncyclopedia.
Billed as the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit.

My two favorites so far:

Kitten Huffing and Oscar Wilde